badphairy's leery lair

Suck it up, Buttercup

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On interracial “allyship”

 The problem I have with white “allyship” is that to us it means cooperation and to them it means we obey them. “I won’t join you until you meet my demands” isn’t “being an ally” it’s being a presumptuous person who thinks they have power -over- not power in struggle -with-.We can only make change in the ways, using the methods white people “allow us”. Like nonviolence, and protesting in fenced-off areas nowhere near the actual event. This is their idea of “freedom” for us, which is sort of like saying your dog is free to come and go as he pleases, except you’ve made sure he can’t operate the doorknob. If he does manage to get out, then he’s in the wrong for “escaping”. And then you have to call the patterollers to round him up, cage him until you can pick him up. Huh, what does that remind me of?

It’s the recent experience of white gun enthusiasts penising all over a group -I was personally invited to no less-, but if I mention that being armed while white is different from being armed while black, and that white people should take that reality into account before they blithely tell black people to arm themselves, that’s me “flaming white people”.

You know what’s flaming black people in multiple ways in any given moment? White people’s fragility. You know who generally doesn’t take responsibility for their fragility?

*stares Maxinely at screen*

Unpopular Opinion: Parenting is not optional if your original contribution was sperm.

I don’t get it. A friend is talking about how 75% of raising her kid is her job because her hubs has to work. This is a woman with a full-time job.

I have a different friend who does 99% of raising her two children, because her husband brings home his paycheck, handles the kids’ passwords and game purchases and that’s pretty much all he does.

Why do guys STILL think that “I pay for stuff” is the be-all end-all of their husband and father “job”, and everything else is the province of ”the little woman”.

I may have critiques of the heterosexual-with-kids relationship I see every day, but dear God at least the male in that situation knows his kids names, feeds them at least once a day, and does homework and plays with them. It’s almost like parenting doesn’t end at the bank.

Kate’s Arguing Advice: Inspired by Rachel Drummond

When you decide to wade into an argument, ESPECIALLY if you are the lone dissenting voice:


Otherwise you have to be a dedicated Boolean (look it up) and, as Daniel Keys Moran often notes, you have to be able to type REALLY FAST.

Also, pickyourbattles, pick your battles, PICK YOUR BATTLES!!!!

Are you a lone white woman walking into a morass of misogynoir? Stop, collaborate and listen. Actually, not so much collaborate, but stop and fucking listen. Do not engage mouth/fingers unless you’re willing to have your head ripped off by not only the black men in the room, but the women too. Pack behavior is a thing, don’t invite it. (Yeah I know, I do it all the time, but I don’t really have a choice, because most of the people in my world, are white. It’s also my fucking world, so there.)

Rhetoric is a -skill-. Treat it like one.

When you do step into quicksand, the first thought should be “Do I have to do this?” If not, extricate self, go on about day. You may want to have a store of parting shots.

By the way, wrt parting shots, when l’esprit d’escalier visits you, WRITE THAT SHIT DOWN! You likely will get to use it later, just when you need it.

Develop a rapport with your readerate. My friends know when I call someone “Sparky” shit about to go down. Sometimes I can smell the popcorn.

Use the tech you have: Try keeping two FB windows up at once. One is the conversation you’re watching. The other is your commentary on watching it. Make use of the “Only Me” posting option, until you have time to go back and write it up properly.

If you’re really trying to change hearts-n-minds, do it well, which means planning, prep, practice. Go my people, and annoy.

Gun Violence: A Public Health Perspective

As someone tasked with making the individuals and society healthier, guns absolutely cause more injuries and deaths than pretty much any other vector. As someone tasked with keeping the cost of health care down, that cost took a huge jump today with over 200 people injured, some who will never fully recover. As a medical professional focused on reducing loss of life by accident or intent, guns provide the mechanism by which many of these incidents occur.

It’s about results. It’s about how much those results cost our society.

Sensitivity reading and social consulting, guidance/critique

I am available for sensitivity reading your manuscript for issues of race/ethnicity, gender, and worldbuilding. Please email badphairy at for estimate.

I am also available to consult wrt social issues (not getting along with a group, needing new terminology personally explained, etc.). $2/minute with a 15 minute minimum

I have a selection of t-shirts on teespring.

Why do you even -want- to go to San Quentin?”

As I prepare for my upcoming trip to California, I keep getting the same question, repeatedly.

“Why do you even -want- to go to San Quentin?”

Because it is the purest distillation of our idea of “justice”. And it’s a fucking nightmare.

It’s something I wrestle with long after I come back home. Whose life is being spent in a cage, waiting to die, and can I look those people in the eye and say with conviction, “This is the correct system by which to treat you.”

The socio-economic implications have been exhaustively covered academically, but the visceral impact of LSP Angola can’t be ignored. I’ve stood there, watching lines of mostly black men, hoes over their shoulders, going to work in the fields under the watchful eye of the white patroller…why are we doing this in 2016? What have we gotten wrong, besides…everything.

These are the kinds of questions I need to be asking myself when I think about who I vote for and why. What kind of place do I want the U.S. to be, and how far from it is the status quo.

In order to even be able to construct these questions, is why I go.